Disappointment = the difference between the expected outcome and the actual outcome

Never ever will I expect that much from you so that I will not need to feel disappointment ever again. Never ever will I expect anything from anyone that really doesn't deserve it ever again. I have learnt. Being too nice just doesn't make sense anymore. All I wanted is to make sure you are happy. All I wanted is to not disappoint you and what do I get in return? Disappointment. Yes, I am. I don't think I will ever want to give you any opportunity to hurt me ever again. I'm just so sorry if I just happen to slip out of your life and shut you out. I'm so sorry.

A long bus ride to nowhere somewhat feels so therapeutic. It's like living in a dream, my own fairy-tale world for sure, where I'm the one with the charmed life. But someday somewhat somehow, I will need to stop dreaming, for my dream-maker will no longer be around.

I laughed tonight. For the first time after so long. Thank you so much.

It hasn't been all good. At the end of the day, it simply feels the same as before. I have finally arrived at the right bus stop just after the last bus has left. All I can see is its tail lights, but even if I run, I can never ever catch it.

Am I asking too much of everything?

Perhaps it was never meant to be..

Am going to meet my uni friends right now.

At least it's something to look forward to. :)

Some time since I felt like this. I guess people tend to feel more vulnerable whenever they are ill. Today's an eventful day. Till then..

To you,

For Me.

The breakup.

Everyone has been through it, at least once. Maybe a few lucky ones out there wouldn't have to. Lucky them. :)

Just when you thought you have gone through all of these:

sobbing to yourself in the middle of the night,

refusing to pick up any calls unless they are from him,

hiding in your room,

telling yourself that you are better off without him,

resisting the strong urge to pick up the phone and call him,

pressing his number on your handphone but ends up not calling him,

counting the number of days you haven't been thinking about him or when the attacks haven't appeared,

regretting your decision to leave him,

trying means to let him know that it is a mistake to leave you,

writing him letters after letters but just don't have the guts to send them out,

showing up at his block and refusing to leave unless he sees you,

slashing your wrist(s) and attempting suicide(!) to make him regret,

and the list just goes on..

A breakup is never easy for anyone. Like many others, I have been through a few. I have heard of so many cases of breakups. What's forever? Nothing? The only thing forever is 'forever' itself. Never seek forever because that is too much to ask for. And precisely because everything ends, that is why there is a purpose behind everything we do. It is never ever easy on the person who gets dumped, just as it is on the one who initiates the breakup. Just because I don't display any emotions that I ought to have doesn't mean I am not. Yeah get it? I may just be the silly fool who cries herself to sleep every night when everyone else is sound asleep.

And just when I have done all the necessary preparations to not feel upset again, a new person might just appear and TADA! At the end of the day, you are so afraid of getting upset once again. It's like a never-ending cycle - you fall, you pick yourself up, and you fall again. And perhaps with each fall, you get more careful. You tell yourself to look out for stones, twigs and things that will make you fall. And with each stone you see in front of you, you walk towards it and what do you do? You make that effort to avoid stepping on it.

Is this how it should be? Perhaps not.