All I want is to be happy.

"Is there anyone that you really dislike?" I was stumped by this question. NO - A big fat NO. Life has been way toooooooooooo good for me. For I've always been the lucky one, with no major worries to cramp up my mind with. No financial problems, a happy family, good health, saint friends and so on. Not to mention that it comes with some bonuses as well - a job with attractive benefits and last but not least, a very sweet guy. :) A couple of days ago, I was asked to describe the greatest setback I had ever encountered in my life so far. I couldn't find any and I had to resort to using my uni grades as an example. How bad could it be? I didn't care much about grades anyway.

My entries are always meant for the intended recipients and it's only them that will completely comprehend the contents. I'm easily contented, yet having high expectations. I'm happy with my $2 wanton mee, yet I wouldn't mind sitting at Hokkaido savouring the finest freshest fish roe. I'm understanding yet picky. I'm always trying to find perfection in the things that I do, the perfect shoe colour - should it be the safe black or the electric blue? And it is always comforting to have another person out there who thinks in a similar way as I do. Someone who is as indecisive as I am, yet firm when it comes to certain stuff. Someone who empathizes with the undeserved yet can be mean to the loved ones. Someone who understands the reason why I will do this and not that. Someone as contradicting as me. :)

I've also learnt, that I should face my problems instead of running away from them; that I should be upfront with my feelings instead of bottling them up; and that no one is perfect.

Yet, I'm still seeking for perfection when I know it doesn't exist at all. Isn't that silly? I have flaws too, just like you. When you get hit by something really hard, learn from your mistake and stand up on your own again. I guess it's really pointless proving who's in the wrong. So what if you win this time round? Does it really make you happy? If it really does, by all means. I'll let you win, but I may not necessary heed your advice. Sometimes there is neither the right way nor the wrong choice. Just like when a relationship fails, both parties have to bear responsibility, be it whether it's a case of infidelity or lack of communication for example. I stray 'cos I simply can't find whatever I am looking for in you, you choose not to speak 'cos I simply am not there to listen to you when you need me.

You know what? I don't feel good right now 'cos you're troubled, lost and confused. All these years you've been stronger, always there for me when I stumble and lose my stability. You're constant, I'm fickle. You're prone to staying put, I'm given to wandering. And like every wanderer needs a point of reference when he's lost, I need you around to feel anchored. You're the resident lighthouse, I’m the ship in the night. I always find my strength and direction in you. And so do others. They look upon you as a role model. Yes I know it's never easy being you. Just take your time to rest and think through things but come back soon okay?

Oh, I had a lot of fun last Saturday, with Gillian the birthday girl (dear, you looked really pretty!), May, Huizhen, Show Meng and of course, not to forget, Michael. Dinner was a late affair, with May and I eventually sitting at Crystal Jade waiting for the rest to arrive. Food was not disappointing, and coincidentally presented in the right number - 6. One for each of us. May and I presented our dearest handmade gift to Gillian! We proceeded to Coffee Club for desserts and drinks, with a cake from Swensens for our darling birthday girl. Not to forget the silly balloons - the pretty pink flower and the extra looooooooooong pink skinny balloon - which we had loads of fun posing for pictures.

"I think you'll rock. You're pretty, slim, absolutely shaggalicious, and you've got delicious long legs.." This line makes me laugh you know? Yes yes, I'm pretty and you're cute, and you're supposed to run away with me! But you've run away to USA on your own and left me behind in Singapore, how dare you!?

I picked up my receipts and arranged them neatly into categories. Oh, not to forget labelling those movie ticket stubs too, for these were the only remaining memories of all that was left. I wrote down the names of the person(s) I watched each movie with, it could be "Gil and May" for Rush Hour 3 or "Mummy" for 881. I chanced upon that stray ticket stub among the lot. I took it out and placed it aside, hesitating to label it. And when I was done with the rest, I took a second look at the stub, picked it up and threw it into the bin. For all that was left, I set my heart to wipe out all the memories that were once there.

Spicy miso ramen,

hot and spicy soup noodles,

spicy kimchi ramen.

Had all these while I was nursing a bad throat.

And I am still having a sore throat.

I really don't like to have a sore throat.

And I don't want to sleep right now

'cos I know I will wake up with a very bad throat.......

cos I just had hot and spicy chipster chips!

Sigh..

People react differently to breakups. Some mope around at home, while others bounce back to life quickly. I was the latter and my social calendar became jam-packed. I prepared a toast to my girl friends and proclaimed, "This is for the men who have us, the losers who had us and the lucky guys who'll meet us!" But amidst all the bravado, it soon dawned on me that no amount of Chardonnay was going to help me accept the fact that I'd been cheated on.

Thus came the next stage, when a wave of depression hit and I inevitably pressed his number, which was still on my speed dial. I swung to the other extreme, begging him to give us one more shot. The dial tone resounded in my ears - he'd hung up on me even before I'd finished wailing. To appear less of a jerk, he sent a text message asking, "Is anything the matter? I'm watching a movie." This effectively translated to, "Hey, I'm with the other girl now. I'm leading my own life and so should you."

After a series of disappointments, I became resigned to the fact that he'd never be my guy again. But just when I felt ready to throw a mini-celebration for having gotten over him, his blinking name on my mobile displaced me. I picked up the phone to hear his gentle voice asking me how I was doing. All the barriers I'd so carefully built up against him during the healing process crumbled. Our past memories flooded me and I went back to wishing he'd call him soon. After waiting by the phone for days, I saw that it was just a one-off call, made during a moment of impulse, probably to ease his feelings of guilt.

Cindy Tan

CLEO September

I..broke a promise.

I..am sorry.

And to stop crying after that. I finally know what I want.

Thank you for much for the box of egg tarts. Thank you so much for being there for me, accepting my flaws and taking the extra mile to break into my dreamy perfect world. I know it must be pretty frustrating most of the time. Thank you for your undivided attention and seemingly never-ending patience. ilysm! (aabfoc!)

Sticky chewy chocolate, Chocolate Peanut Buttercup, Lime Sherbet, Butterscotch and Chocolate Malt: that's what life should be - sweet and simple - as quoted by someone. :)






It was never easy picking up the phone to make that call.

It was never easy for me.